Held

We were listening to our WOW2007 CD in the car this weekend and Chloe started talking about this song and how she knows what loves means. It got me kind of curious and I picked up the CD cover and read a bit about this song, and that is when I realised it was written by someone by the name of Christa and it spoke of God's love holding us through unspeakable pain. And then I looked up the lyrics during the week and found this little devotional together with it from http://www.christian-music-lyrics-for-daily-devotions.com/held.html

It says:"The song "Held" sung by Natalie Grant is a powerful song of God's love holding us and sustaining us through unspeakable pain. The lyrics were written by a woman who tells the story in the first verse of two of her friends. One was a woman who's husband died within two months of being diagnosed with cancer. The second friend had finally had a baby after praying and trying for several years. The baby was healthy and growing and died in his sleep at only eight months.
I don't know how big your pain is, but I do know God is bigger. I know that He is big enough to take every bit of the pain and anger you can throw at Him and love you through it all. God never promises that we'll be saved from the nightmares of this life but He does promise that when everything falls He'll be there to hold you."

"Held" lyrics:

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we’d be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it’s unfair

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior

© 2005 Christa Wells

Been feeling kind of numb lately. Memories of Christa's last few months still haunts me with much sadness. It's hard to keep remembering and feeling the pain over and over. On one hand I want to trust God and grow, and on the other hand I've got to admit it's incredibly hard when I hear of people's prayers being answered and I wonder why God didn't hear us when we cried out to Him for our precious little girl. So it seems easier to not feel. That way I won't be too angry or sad or anything. But somehow even in the numbness of it all, the pain still lingers. Oh, how I wish I could truly know what it means to be held....

Happy Birthday to my Little Angel

My sweet little Christa,

Wish you could be here to celebrate your 4th birthday. I have a feeling it might have been a Little Mermaid birthday this year. You came into this world in such a special way....I actually saw you from under the water while you were being born! What a special moment that was. I will treasure that moment forever.

I thank God as I think of you. I'm thankful for all the moments we shared together. Your cute cheeky smiles, and all the wonderful hugs you gave daddy and I. You filled our lives with so much love and laughter. You were such a fun sister for Chloe. She misses you so much and often misses you as her playmate. Little Rachel has been having a lot of hiccups lately and she often smiles when I say "hiccup" to her, just like the day she spent with you on your bed hiccuping and made you laugh.

We love you so much my dear sweet Christa, and long to see you again in heaven soon. I don't know if they celebrate birthdays in heaven. I'm kind of thinking that your birthday in heaven is probably the 7th of March. But I hope that you will know that you are loved and remembered so much by your family and we will always continue to celebrate the day you came into this world and brought so much joy and love to our hearts.

Happy Would-be 4th Birthday Little Christa!

Our Day at the Beach-Pieces of Christa

We were blessed with lovely weather on Sunday, and so we decided to take the opportunity to enjoy the sun a bit and headed out to Fish Hoek beach with the family after church and Sunday lunch. I had grabbed the packet with the children's 'sandcastle stuff' which we haven't used for a while and packed it in the car earlier in the morning.

Chloe and her friend Sinead wanted to build sandcastles. So I opened up the packet and started emptying all the buckets and spades, and to my surprise I found a pair of pink pants in the packet. It must have been left in there from the time we last went to the beach. And suddenly I remembered the last time we were at the exact same beach when Christa had worn that exact pink pants with hearts on it and she had gotten it wet and sandy which was how this pants ended up in the packet with the sandcastle stuff! I couldn't believe it! It probably sounds really silly, but it meant soooo much to me just to hold it. I felt like God in some way had 'left' the pants for me to find on that day. To just have that visual reminder of her made her feel that much closer and sort of 'with' us as we spent that day on the beach. Then I remembered that I had taken a picture of us at the beach that day with Christa on my phone. And so I looked it up, and there it was....21st of March 2007 (5 1/2 months before she was diagnosed, almost a year before she went to be with Jesus, 1. 5 years when I found it!) Anyway, I have been thinking about her and missing her so much these past few days. But I said to Carl that day, I'm not going to wash these pants! I'm keeping them in Christa's box of memories.

Questioning God

Most days life seem to just carry on as usual, but last night somehow I was thinking and crying a lot about Christa. Visions of her just kept playing in my head...the good times and then suddenly it would jump to when she was sick and then I remembered the day when she was slipping away. I started asking God," What could possibly be the purpose for all of this?".....And then He reminded me of something Chloe and Christa's friend's mom shared with me a few weeks back. I hope she doesn't mind me sharing it here...

She told me about how the family had experienced a robbery in their home where armed men came in and put her and the children in the back room while tying her husband up in the living room. She told me how she just sensed the peace from God during that whole time upon her and the children even during that whole ordeal. And then she shared with me how being at Christa's memorial and hearing what Carl said about not letting Christa's death be in vain by each of us pondering about where we are with God made her think about the most important thing she could give to her children was for them to know and love God. I can't remember exactly how she phrased it, but that just really blessed us so much to hear that somehow Christa's life and death was not just a random unfortunate thing that happened to us. God knew from the moment she was conceived how many days she would have and what her purpose in life would be. I can't say that it makes it any easier for us, but at least knowing that helps me to trust Him even in the darkest moment of our lives.

If you are reading this blog of mine and have somehow either been blessed by Christa's life and death whether you know us or not, I would like for you to share it with me as we draw close to celebrating Christa's birthday next month on the 14th of October....her would have been 4th birthday.

Dreaming of Christa

Today as I was driving Chloe to school she told me about a dream she had of Christa. She said Christa was 'hiding' in the 'Bunnies' class (the school they go to divide the children according to age and name the classes after different animals). She said that their teacher Judy said she found Christa hiding in the classroom, and when Chloe found her they went outside and played in the playground and Christa had the "HAPPIEST DAY EVER!":) I just love how she said that. Funny enough I also had a dream about Christa coming back. Unfortunately I can't remember the details because I was drifting in and out of sleep as little Rachel has not been feeling very well and she's been waking up a lot at night these past few nights. I wish I could dream of her every night. At least then it won't seem like she's so far away....

My first oil painting of Christa's fairy flower-ie. Crane Flower/ Birds of Paradise.

Art for Christa

I've always wanted to paint and had a friend that I wanted to learn from. However as life goes, we are always too busy with the kids to actually get together. Anyway, I decided one day after Chloe's party that I wanted to paint a picture that I took of her from the party in the garden. And that was it-I was hooked! This is my very own first acrylic painting, and I am planning to do one of Christa in heaven holding her favorite puppy. I had this picture in mind, based a little on this figurine that I bought and placed on top of Christa's urn which reminded me of her. I'm working on the drawing to get it right first before I paint it since I don't have the exact picture to paint from and I've just pieced together parts of her to make up this picture. But anyway, the drawing so far looks like this....

Still have lots to work on, but hopefully I'll get there one day. In the mean time I also did a painting of Christa's fairy flower ( which people have confirmed are called crane flower in South Africa and Birds of Paradise in Malaysia). It is still drying on our dining room table at this very moment. Will post a pic when it's done.

I am thinking of selling my paintings and drawings that I have thus far so that I can get more materials and do more paintings without bankrupting the family in the process. So if anyone likes them and wants some art and in the process help out an aspiring artist please let me know! That way I'll also know that at least someone out there does like it and I don't totally suck at it...hahah:)

Chloe's Day Home

Chloe stayed home from school today as she was not feeling too well. She vomited early in the morning and woke up with little red spots around her eyes and cheeks. I started to get anxious and tried looking it up online to see what it could possibly be. Looks like it's probably a broken blood vessel due to the vomiting...something called 'petechiae'? It was hard for me not to worry especially after what happened with Christa. I have been praying asking God to give me His peace to guard my heart and mind. The spots are still there, but the paediatrician said not to worry as long as the vomitting settles and the spots do not get worse. A few days from today...Sept 3rd will be a year from when we found out Christa had medulloblastoma. I guess the whole event is just currently being replayed in my mind, and making me a bit of a nervous wreck. Thank God for praying parents and mentor, and of course His word the double-edged sword.

Otherwise, Chloe actually was quite fine...playing with Rachel and all. I guess being at home all day on a rainy day made her think of Christa and how it would have been nice to have someone to play with. She wrote on her board, " I MISS CHRISTA"....yes, me too!

Chloe's Party-Flowers for Christa

I saw these flowers when I visited my friend Aquila at her home the weekend before Chloe's party. They reminded me of Christa and I thought it would be appropriate to have it at Chloe's Tinkerbell party this year. Granny and grandpa used to have a big 'bush' of these flowers outside their house. Whenever she saw them from the car she would say, "Fairies!" For a while we tried to figure out why she kept saying fairies, and then realised that she thought these flowers were fairies. So now whenever I see these flowers I think of fairies, but most of all I remember my beloved little girl, Christa.

PS. Thanks Aquila for cutting and bringing some of these flowers for the party! Must find out what they are called. In Malaysia I seem to remember calling them Birds of Paradise.

August-The Month of Birthdays

It's August again and I am reminded of the last month Christa spent with us before she was officially 'sick' or diagnosed with medulloblastoma. Her last month as a healthy child was spent partying! First of all it was her good friend Sinead's birthday, and then Chloe's birthday and then Gabi ( a friend of Chloe's) birthday, which was the last birthday she got to really enjoy without being knowingly sick. Although, Gabi's birthday was only 3 days prior to her diagnosis. It is still unbelievable how our lives can change so quickly.

This year however, the birthday celebrations are tinged with a bit of sadness for me. I couldn't bring myself to attend Sinead's birthday party with Chloe....seeing a bunch of 4 year olds jumping around and having fun the way they did when Christa was around last year would just be too painful for me.

I was almost going to not have the kind of birthday party that Chloe's grown accustomed to this year (where mom goes all crazy with ideas for crafts, games, baking, decor etc.), but decided that we should go ahead and celebrate like we normally would because Chloe did so deserve it. She has been so incredibly good and strong through all of this. And so this year, Chloe's decided on having a Tinkerbell party. Christa would have so enjoyed it! She used to always yell "Tinkerbell!" at the beginning of the Disney movies where the letters D-V-D would pop up and then Tinkerbell would appear at the end of it.

Bathtime fun again...

Chloe has been talking more and more about missing Christa lately. Don't know if she's missing her more now or if she's picking up that vibe from me. I've been thinking about Christa a lot lately. It's nice to be able to chat with Chloe about her. It feels like she's still part of our lives that way. So many things remind us of her. Today Chloe chose to watch Winnie the Pooh because she said it was Christa's favourite, and maybe Christa might watch it with her from heaven:)

Chloe hadn't really had a 'friend' to enjoy her baths with for quite a while. Bath times seemed quieter and quicker without Christa. They used to enjoy playing in the bath and had lots of fun together. Chloe said the other day, " I wish Rachel can be 1 or 2 or 3 soon. Then I can have someone to play with again." I'm glad that she doesn't have to wait that long. It seems like even just having Rachel in the bath with her made her feel 'happier' and more keen on bath time. Rachel's also quite enjoying bath time with her sister.

So many bath time memories... I will always remember the time we were in Sedgefield and Chloe and Christa were in the bath together playing. We were watching TV in the lounge and we just kept hearing laughter coming from the bathroom. I went to see what was going on and what they kept laughing about. I found out that Chloe had put a cup on her head, sneezed and made the cup fall off her head. And everything the cup fell, Christa would laugh. And this went on and on for ages....

Glimpses of Christa

Took a recent of photo of Rachel when she was wearing this suit. It reminded me of Christa's picture from her first school. She was probably about 9/10 months old then. I often see glimpses of Christa in little Rachel. But she is growing to be her own person. Wish Christa could have been here to be a big sister to Rachel. She really would have loved being the older the sister for a change. Chloe's been terrific with Rachel though, she has been making her laugh like no one else can. It brought to memory the time in ICU when Christa woke up from sedation after nearly 6 weeks being out of it, and the person that made her laugh was her sister. Oh what a special bond it is between sisters....

Little Treasures

Went for our friends Rodney and Jo's annual get-together. It was a delectable desserts evening...mmm:) But more than that I was surprised by a 'treasure' given to me by Jo as we were leaving...a picture of Christa and me at the same get-together last year! What a treasure:) And for me it just reminded me again of God's care for me and how He knows that we need reminders of our loved ones every now and then. I know there were days when I wanted to find something of Christa's so badly and it's nice to be able to go to her memory box and find things that remind me of her. But it's extra special when you're not particularly looking for it and it just gets handed to you-now I know that someone up there is watching over me. Thank you Lord!

I was reminded of this song from the children's camp we did during my YWAM mission trip:

"The Lord loves me and all His wonders I see

The rainbow shines through my window

The Lord loves me..."

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow....

Seems like it's been snowing again in Ceres. We were there with Christa on the 28th of July last year, about a month and a half before Christa took ill. We listened to our favorite snow song "Let it Snow."

The weather outside is frightful,
But the fire is so delightful
And since we have no place to go
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.....(and so it goes on....)

Christa and Chloe would make their little comments....popcorn? fire? at the appropriate places with a big yay and clap at the end.The song was playing over and over again in the car, driving Carl crazy! That was Christa's first and last time in the snow. It's snowing again out that way now and I think of my beloved little Christa and miss her desperately. Don't know if we will brave venturing out there again this year. Somehow in my heart it doesn't feel right without her. But maybe if others are going, it might change my mind. I think the two things I'm finding the hardest right now is contemplating whether or not to go to the snow this year if someone decides to go and Chloe's upcoming birthday. That was the last birthday I planned and Christa's last proper birthday that she got to enjoy. It was unfortunate that it wasn't hers. She was in hospital for her birthday. Praying that God will help heal my heart one day at a time.

Scrapbooking Christa's Memories

Have been trying to put together a book of Christa's memories...like Piglet's book of memories in Piglet's Big Movie. Going through the pictures really brought back memories of all the happiness she brought into our lives. I begun with the picture of her ultrasound scans. She must have only been about 3 months then but you could see her form so perfectly. It truly is a miracle. I could think of no better words than the verses from Psalm 139:13-16:

For You created my inmost being;

You knit me together in my mother's womb

I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from You

When I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

Your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me (1240 days in all)

were written in your book before one of them came to be....

Ballerina Girls

Chloe has been asking me to go watch her during ballet lesson at school. I haven't been able to make it until now. It was fun watching her and the other children dance, but I couldn't help having this sense of sadness seeing the other children from Christa's class now old enough to participate in the ballet lesson. I knew that Christa would have enjoyed it so much and would have been so cute doing the skips and gallops. She always greeted us with her little skip whenever we fetched her from school, Sunday school, or granny's house. I am reminded of this photo I took of Chloe and Christa not too long before Christa took ill. She wanted to dress up and be a ballerina just like her sister.

To Christa my dear ballerina girl,

You would have made a beautiful ballerina. But I know that you are dancing the most beautiful dance now for Jesus together with all His angels before His throne. I love and miss you lots.

Missing Christa on a Rainy Day

Chloe is playing Chris Tomlin's CD again. It always reminds me of the last few weeks , and days we spent with Christa. So many of the songs were so appropriate for what we were experiencing then. This song "The Way I Was Made" always makes me think of our last day with Christa and how I need to continue living my life.


Caught in the half-light,
I'm caught alone,
Waking up to the sunrise and the radio,
Feels like I'm tied up, what's holding me?
Just praying today will be the day I go free

I want to live like there's no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one's around
I want to sing like nobody's listening
Before I lay my body down
I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I'm not afraid
I want to be the man I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made

Made in your likeness,
Made with Your hands
Made to discover who You are
And who I am
All I've forgotten help me to find
All that You've promised let it be in my life

______________________________

"Clearly, accomplishement in life cannot be measured in terms of years alone. It often happens that those that die young have accomplished more than others who live to old age. Even infants, who sometimes have been with their parents only a few days, or even hours, may leave profound influences that change the entire course of the life of the family. And undoubtedly, from the Divine viewpoint, the specific purpose for which they were sent into the world was accomplished. It is our right neither to take life prematurely, nor to insist on its extension beyond the mark that God has set for it."

Loraine Boettner

Happy Father's Day

Piggybacks and fun, that's the stuff that fathers are made of...

Dear Papa,

Thank you for being the best papa in the world. I love you.

Love from,

Christa

New Family Photos Today

Our first family portrait session together as an entire family....mom, dad, Chloe, Rachel, granny, grandpa, Aunty Wendy, & Uncle Richard. Wish Christa could have been there with us. She would have finished chemo treatment by now. We never got to take a proper family picture together before Christa went to be with Jesus. But I guess in our memories then, she will always be the strong, healthy, happy little girl instead of without hair, with feeding tube, etc. The only professional portrait we have as a family together was taken during Christa's first visit to Malaysia. I guess life goes on and we will be making new memories. But you my dear sweet Christa will always remain a part of this family. And we look forward to seeing you again in heaven one day where we will never have to be apart again.

Chloe wishes she could play with Christa...

"We always have a nice time playing together. And we always like to have a nice tea party with all the toys."

Hope that Chloe will find a new play mate in Rachel soon. The bond will never be the same though, but in time I'm sure it will grow stronger. Christa will always have a special place in our hearts and memories.

My first blog is dedicated to my beloved Christa

I will always miss you....

You are always close to my heart...

My First Blog!

Hahah...can't believe I'm doing this. I have no idea what this is all about. Wonder if I'll get hooked